Infertility. I don’t think words can describe the feeling a woman has when she hears that word.
An overwhelming fear takes over my mind; the fear that I will never be a mother and that I may never be able to provide a child for my husband, who wants one just as bad. It’s something that cannot be fixed, but only maintained. It’s something that can only be truly understood by the person going through it. So many times I hear “just relax, it’ll happen,” or “stop trying and it will happen.” I politely take the advice because I know they are only trying to help, but in my head I am thinking, “How can relaxing make my ovaries work? Why is this happening to ME?” I search for the answer in others, but I never seem to get the answer I want, the answer I need!
The doctors tell us that although we will need help getting pregnant, the chance is there. So I begin to gain back the excitement I had before because we're given a new hope. Negative # 1 comes and I am devastated, but convince myself that it takes more than one try, so I keep my head held high. Negative # 2 comes and I am, once again, completely devastated. We made the heartbreaking decision to take a break and try to obtain healing from the medication wear on my body and the emotional heartbreak.
Wanting a child is not like wanting a toy you can’t have. It is about wanting to know a love that not a single person can describe to you...the type of love that cannot be experienced in any other situation. There is only one way to experience that love, that bond. When that way seems to be taken from you with a possibility of it never being given back, it hurts. Sometimes, it hurts so bad you feel as though you can’t breathe. It hurts to the point that you become numb. That feeling happens over and over and over again. The worst part is that you cannot predict the future, so you have to wait. You have to wait for something that you may never get.
I didn’t understand infertility until we were diagnosed with *unexplained* infertility. You never think it will happen to you so it isn’t something that crosses your mind too often, if at all. Let me tell you this; when it does happen to you, it’s almost the only thing you can think about. I wish it was as easy as saying my ABC’s, but the fact of the matter is that I have no say in what happens. My husband and I have to accept the fact that we may never be parents. Does that mean we are giving up? Absolutely not, but when you are faced with infertility, it’s something you have to deal with. Infertility has overcome me at times, but I have not let it consume me. I believe that God has a purpose in all of this. I know I may never understand what it is, but I know that if I trust Him, everything will be okay.
I do not want my infertility to be a secret because it’s something serious and I believe I am meant to share. It affects my way of life. Why would God put me through something if I wasn’t meant to use it for His glory? God has used me through this. He has not only made me stronger, but he has made my marriage stronger as well as the other relationships in my life. We have a choice on how we react to situations. Though this journey is not easy for me, I have decided to react in a positive way. This is only the beginning of my story, but I hope I was able to provide a perspective that allows anybody who reads this to glance into a world that they may not have noticed before and realize the impact infertility has on the lives of those who deal with it.
