Josh and I were married in April 2009 on the birthday of my most beloved late Auntie Thelma, the woman who taught me how to love and feel loved unconditionally during a very rough childhood…she was an answer to my prayers and I miss her every day of my life. I know that she is smiling down on my cherished and very blessed life. I always say that Auntie Thelma was the one that planted Josh and I together. There is just something so special about our connection and the love that we feel for each other, it's a love I haven't felt since she was a constant in my life. Unconditional. Supportive. Encouraging.
If you’ve ever met Josh you know immediately after saying ‘hello’ that he is a great man. A man that will put anyone or thing ahead of his needs or wants, he’s what I call my Good Samaritan. He’s a devoted Christian and a man that sees good in all people and things. A man that loves me with every ounce of his being! He truly is a great role model and watching him interact with children completely fills my heart which is why I knew immediately that I wanted to start a family very soon after getting married. Little did we know…it was going to be the biggest struggle of our lives.
So, I suppose that is where this story began. I wanted to share this part of our lives partially as a venting mechanism, a support system, and for other women who are going through fertility issues to know that they are not alone.
We are now two years plus several long months (or as parents tell their child’s ages, we’re 28 months) into our journey to try to conceive and we are still fighting to have a family and trying to cope with the heartbreak. Someone once told me that “every cycle feels like a miscarriage” and I can honestly tell you…that is the truth! It’s like we mourn deeply and then we pick up the pieces and focus on the new beginnings of the next month. That still doesn’t mean that I am okay because frankly…I’m not. Some days I feel like a complete failure as a woman, I break down and cry, I seek out people to help support me, but they have no clue what to say, people have a natural desire to want to ‘fix’ you…but sometimes I just need that person to *just be there*. It’s not their fault, I know this…I’ve found that I’m pulling away from the people that want to be in my life because I feel like…well I don’t even know what I feel like, I feel like an emotional wreck and it’s easier to just stay in my family/best friend safe circle and not put others through what we are going through.
Month after month Josh just repeats to me time and time again that it is God’s will, His way and that He will provide us a family in His time. We’ve been seeing a reproductive endocrinologist and have been on fertility medication for a little over a year now off and on, thank God for modern medicine. I pray daily about this…I even have a prayer written out that I carry in my lunch tote that I read and hope that I’m saying it just the right way that day so God can hear me. I know He’s listening…I just need Him to answer!! I sometimes feel selfish in my prayers about our infertility, I feel like I pray for a child, *a family of our own* more than anything in this world and I honestly have felt forgotten and I felt angry that God is allowing this to happen to us. I hear the word “WHY” and “CAN’T” a lot in my prayers.
I must admit that although this is one of the most confusing, heartbreaking and frustrating times of my life, one thing that has become clear to me is that my relationship with God has grown. He is hearing my prayers, my cries. Am I struggling with letting this completely leave my hands and lay it upon Him? YES! And I pray about that, He has shown me things I never would have learned without Him in other areas of my life. I trust that He will take care of us during this chapter as well.
I wanted to share this excerpt from “Baby Hunger” by Beth Forbus. It’s a book that I just purchased and I’m really looking forward to working through. While reading this excerpt I related 100% to it and actually sat at my desk crying and shaking my head! Yes yes yes! This is exactly how I'm feeling. There are days that I feel like I'm completely crazy and have to call on my close friends for reassurance that these emotions that I'm feeling are normal. They are. It's just so hard and I feel at times like I'm falling apart.
I love that all of my friends are starting their families. But there is always a pain and a jealousy that I’m actually embarrassed about…but after I cope with these feelings I’m always overwhelmed with love and adoration for what they are about to experience…that life changing miracle that I dream about.
~BABY HUNGER~
A new mother walks into the auditorium of the church with her brand new bundle of joy and is suddenly surrounded by well-wishers. At the sound of the slightest coo or whimper, squeals and giggles fill the air. Does anyone notice the young lady quietly slip out the back door and head for her car? An excited couple joyfully announces, “We’re expecting!” Does anyone happen to notice the young husband slip his arm around his wife as they both drop their heads and pray that the service begins soon?
Has this happened to you? Probably way too many times. What caused your reaction? Are you not happy for new and expectant parents? Can you not share in someone else’s joy? You are not selfish, uncaring people. Rather, you are the ones who face a bitter struggle every time you see an expectant mother or a new baby. You are the ones who have found yourselves struggling with infertility.
It is estimated that about one out of every six American couples of child bearing age will face difficulty getting pregnant. If you look at your own circle of friends, how many couples are fighting this fight? How many are losing this fight? Many choose to talk about it, while others keep their struggle private. No matter how they choose to cope, one thing is certain. Infertility is a most difficult battle, and we as the body of Christ need to minister to these hurting members of our family. The ungranted desire for a child can be all-consuming. New babies and pregnant women are constant reminders of what you cannot have, yet have longed for all your life. The hurt is constant. The struggle is hard. The answers are unclear. What is clear is that we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and understands our pain.
Sometimes, however, it gets a little difficult to believe God cares about me. If He really cared, why would He let me struggle on my own? Where was God throughout the silent years of infertility? Did He not hear the cries of Hannah as her tears drenched the dusty floor of the temple? Did He not care? What about Zacharias and Elizabeth? Surely they were “good enough”. Was He waiting for a specifically worded prayer before He would answer them and give them the desires of their hearts? Abraham and Sarah were so old! How long did He expect them to wait? Did it take Him that long to figure out what to do? What about me? What about you?
The silence of infertility can be deafening. You cry out time and time again with all the strength you can muster. You beg with God, plead with God, bargain with God. Yet He chooses to remain silent. You make promises. You do all you can do. If you think He expects something of you, you do it. If giving to others would help, you would give every earthly possession you have. For some unknown reason, God seems to be doing nothing on your behalf.
If you are at the point of falling apart, may I suggest a soft landing spot? As you fall, fall into the arms of God. They are strong enough to hold you and they’ll catch you every single time. For you see, when you can go no further and your strength is gone, His strength becomes perfect in your weakness. And you know that terrifying stillness in the dark times? Those times when God seems a million miles away? Even though you know He can do anything, you’re just so afraid He won’t….
