The Best & Worst Days Of My Life....

The Best Worst Days of My Life....

I don't know what to do with the emotions that I'm feeling right now. I’m writing this raw, I’m not editing it…I just going to share exactly what I felt.  I'm very sad and I'm angry. I'm angry that God would allow this to happen to us...I'm angry that I allowed myself to feel hopeful and I'm angry at my body!

Very few know what I'm talking about right now because we kept it in a close circle. Josh & I began our first in vitro fertilization (IVF) cycle on November 9th, somehow we figured out how to pay for one cycle. I was excited to push my body to the limits if it finally meant that we were going to become parents. So in November we began the process of stimulating my ovaries to produce multiple eggs. I endured the daily shots to my tummy, the daily drive to Charlottesville for my 5 minute monitoring appointments to make sure that everything was going as it should be and I responded textbook perfect.

Next we went through the egg retrieval where they were able to retrieve 15 eggs, 13 fertilized with ICSI, 7 began developing and 5 survived to our 5 day transfer. We decided to better our chances that we would transfer two of our embryos back in, we were ready for multiples; we were ready for everything that came with parenting.

So on November 24th, I was officially pregnant until proven otherwise and we were the happiest we'd been in a long time.

 

 

Then came the hardest part of the entire process, the two week wait and the shots of progesterone with the one and a half inch needle that Josh had to give me every morning in my lower back...he was a trooper and a great caretaker.  I was very worried that he wouldn’t be able to administer the shot to me, as I’ve seen this 6’5 strong man pass out from seeing me in pain. 

 

We went through this process, I over-examined everything that my body was doing and about a week after transfer I felt pregnant....it's a feeling I can't really describe but I knew I was pregnant. So I took a test and my prayers from all these years were finally answered. WE were pregnant.

 

I was so scared to celebrate; I held this little secret to myself and didn't tell Josh, I needed more clarity before I could do that. That was on a Friday. The very next day I went shopping for a few hours and came home to find out that I was bleeding, I called Josh who was out hunting with his friends in a panic and he rushed home to take care of me. We called the doctor and he said that there was nothing that they could do, so while I was hysterically crying, this is when I told Josh we were pregnant. Not the way I wished it could have happened, but then none of this is like it should have happened.  The bleeding stopped, I was put on bed rest and all was fine.

 We went in for our first official blood test on the following Monday where we received the happiest news of our lives. Our beta (pregnancy hormone) was 196 and wonderful for the first number, I was shocked; I thought for sure that we had lost the pregnancy on Saturday!!   We were officially pregnant!!!  Second beta was a few days later where I had the unfortunate timing to get a phlebotomist who started my blood draw off by saying "Is this baby WANTED?" amongst other things such as "you should just adopt one of the unwanted kids in the system"....way to ace it Culpeper Hospital, I don't think I've ever been so angry at someone in my life. Anyhow, this day is when I received the results from the doctor himself. The way a beta works is they want doubling numbers or at least a 66% increase from the prior number. My second beta was only 331, over the 66% increase but enough to cause concern. I began to freak out. It's a good thing my co-workers love me because they experienced this right beside me.  I scowered the internet to educate myself on what all of this meant and asked friends who had gone through the process and they all thought that this was nothing to be concerned with, yet. I emailed my IVF nurse and she said the same thing, so hope began to build again.

Then came the worst day of my entire life....

I woke up on Friday and something felt different, I can’t describe it, I told Josh that I felt different, he hugged me and we went on with our morning routine.  I went to the hospital and had my blood drawn just like what had become my normal routine, then went to work and waited and waited and waited some more. 

 My blood results prior to this test had been returned before 11:00 every time so I knew something was up.  I called my doctor at 1:00 to see if they had received the results from our local hospital because that had been an issue a time prior and they told me they’d call me back, so I waited even longer.  I went to lunch (as I was at work) and prayed that they’d call me while I wasn’t sitting in my office, no such luck.  As soon as I returned to my office around 3:00 the call came that my number had dropped, I felt my throat close up and I began to shake, I needed to get out of the office as soon as possible before I completely broke down.  Unfortunately, this is the one day I lock my keys in my car and I lose it!  I call Josh from my office and scream that we lost the baby and I can’t get out of my office because my keys are locked in my car and that he needed to come now.  I found out later that he didn’t understand a single word that I said but knew that he needed to get to me NOW.  My coworker friend (who had no idea we were going through any of this) rushed me to her car and brought me to my Mom’s house where I couldn’t get inside because I had no keys, so there I sat on my Mom’s steps to her house near hysteria just crying, shaking and in disbelief. I screamed at God for allowing this to happen….I would have rather never been pregnant than to feel like this.  Josh was over an hour away and somehow got ahold of my Mom and had her come be with me.  Mom found me on her stairs, put me on her couch, wrapped me in a quilt and I felt like I was 5 years old again.  I was the saddest I’d ever been in my entire life.  Josh showed up and we cried and cried together and that was pretty much our entire weekend.  Sadness.  Heartbreak. Anger.

 We returned to our doctor’s office yesterday, to reopen the wound, for another blood test and it was confirmed that we would miscarry this child and to stop all shots.  I feel like I never had a chance to celebrate this child and I’m mad about that.  I loved this child from the moment I laid eyes on it and now it was taken from us and waits for us to meet again in Heaven.

 I’m numb, Josh is numb and as of right now we don’t know what we’re going to do to move forward.  We have three frozen embryos that we can do another IVF with, but I’m not emotionally ready to move onto that right now…nor are we ready to financially take that on again.  I’ve been praying for guidance on what to do….Are we supposed to live childless?  Are we supposed to try frozen embryo transfer (FET) IVF?  I wish for once in my life something would come easy for us and we wouldn’t have to fight for it…it doesn’t seem right….or fair…and I hate it.

 No words will help us feel better.  Just please keep us in prayer or thought or however you lift people up.  I feel broken right now BUT I promise you this will not beat us!  We are resilient and if there is anything that I’ve learned while going through infertility it is that my marriage is STRONG and the love that we share gets stronger every single day that we live together.  We WILL beat you infertility!!

Find out how you can help our dreams come true:
https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Johnston-Baby-Dream/144808319007426

 

 

 

 

Stand By Us!

I haven’t written in quite some time, primarily because there are a gazillion people in my life that are expecting or just had their child and the last thing I want to do is have them feel bad for being pregnant around me.  I’m happy for them, but it’s impossible for me to not focus that it’s just not happening for us.

Over the past several years after we finally came out of the dark that we are ‘infertile’ I have found a trend occurring.  My friends announce to me that they are expanding their families and then they disappear.  Vanish. Like we were never a part of their pre-children lives.   I don’t know why this happens…is it because they feel sorry for us? Is it because they don’t want to be a “family” in front of us”?  I don’t know!

I do know that abandonment hurts almost as much as being infertile.  I know that it has to be extremely difficult to be on the other side of this and to announce a pregnancy to someone that you love who is struggling with something that comes so easily to some.  Everyone needs to understand that no one can fix this for us, we’ve accepted this battle and we’re going to fight through it until it is won!!!  What we need from you is to know you’re there by our sides ready to fight this with us!  I define a true friendship by those who have stood next to us during the absolute worst moments of our lives.  This battle has not been pretty, especially for me and my roller coaster emotions, and while this isn’t a terminal disease, this is something that has changed my life forever…infertility will forever be stamped on my heart.

So please don’t disappear because you don’t know what to say, because really there isn’t anything that needs to be said.  Just knowing that you are there when we need you is all that is necessary.   All we ask is for you to….Stand by Us!!  And....call us out (especially me) when we're slacking on the friendship...I tend to go into hiding when I'm hurting the most.

A friend once shared the below promises with me from something she once read, I thought these were wonderful little pieces of knowledge for those supporting a friend who is dealing with infertility.

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Dear Infertile Friend,

I wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you. I want you to know that you’re in my heart.  I imagine, at times, it may seem that I’m oblivious to your struggles.   As if somehow I’ve forgotten what it was like to stand in your shoes.  I assure you, I haven’t.  In fact, I’ll never, ever forget what it was like to walk the very lonely and scary path of infertility

 I want to give you a gift.  A gift I hope you’ll treasure.   It’s not a magic potion.  I don’t have one of those.  Instead, it’s a promise—actually a few promises.  Promises that I hope will sustain you through your journey. 

I promise not to give you unsolicited advice about conceiving.  I know you are relaxing.  That stress isn’t the problem and a vacation isn’t the answer.  I’m also very aware that how it finally worked for me (or my cousin or my neighbor or my grandma’s friend’s great-niece) probably isn’t the cure for you.  I’ll never assume I have the answer to your prayers…I promise.

I promise not to complain about my kids in front of you.  We all know that raising children is challenging.  I’m also aware you’d give your left arm to be knee deep in messy diapers and snotty noses.  There’ll be no child-related venting to you…I promise.

I promise to include you in our family related activities and understand when you decline.  I know you love my family.  I also understand being around little ones can be hard for you right now.  I’ll be sad that you’re not there, so I’ll continue to pray fervently for your miracle…I promise.

Most importantly, I promise to be here when you need me.  I’ll listen empathetically and squeeze your hand for encouragement.  Lean on me when you need to—my shoulders will hold you up and my love for you will catch your tears.  I’ll walk through this with you, admiring your bravery every step of the way…I promise.

Another Year

Another year….

Next week we celebrate our third year of wedded happiness.  I can still remember how I felt that day.  I’m not a person who likes to be the center of attention (at all) and wouldn’t you know it…I marry into the biggest loving family on the planet.  There were close to 200 family and friends spending our wedding day with us and I had to walk down an aisle in front of all of them in a beautiful long white gown and three inch heels with the goal of not falling.  I can remember watching my sisters and my best friends make the walk down the aisle before me and then I remember the doors being shut for my grand appearance…I remember closing my eyes, taking a deep breath, saying a short prayer and then when the doors were opened I looked up and my eyes shot straight to the front of our Church to meet Josh’s and he just smiles at me.  Peace overcame my anxiety as I looked at him, I don’t remember seeing a single other person in that room on my walk to stand beside him. I married the man that I consider my biggest blessing on this planet and I am fortunate to be able to share the rest of my life with him.

Next week is also the three year anniversary of when we decided that we were ready to become parents….a family. Three years…WOW.

This week of anniversaries comes with great joy and sorrow to me.  I have found that the last couple of years I grieved with full focus on what we weren’t being blessed with…not this year…this year I’m going to celebrate this passing date on the calendar as something that has brought my husband and me so much closer.  We could have allowed infertility to damage the amazing relationship that we share.  Instead we took each other’s hands and walk forward… with God…together, stronger and ready to face this for as long it takes.

God has a plan for our marriage despite our struggle.  He is still working and moving through our lives.  He teaches us lessons we never could have learned any other way.  Perhaps that’s what He is waiting on with us.  Maybe He’s waiting on just the right time to bring just the right child into our lives.  Or perhaps He’s waiting until just the right time to give us the peace we need to know that it is okay to stop trying.  Whatever His plan, we can rest in the promise that His plans are perfect, His timing is impeccable, and His heart and love for us is deep.  God is faithful in all of His promises.  He is faithful through infertility. He is faithful in all of His promises…He is faithful and therefore we will keep our faith in Him.

Happy Anniversary to my dear husband.  I love you!

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6