Stand By Us!

I haven’t written in quite some time, primarily because there are a gazillion people in my life that are expecting or just had their child and the last thing I want to do is have them feel bad for being pregnant around me.  I’m happy for them, but it’s impossible for me to not focus that it’s just not happening for us.

Over the past several years after we finally came out of the dark that we are ‘infertile’ I have found a trend occurring.  My friends announce to me that they are expanding their families and then they disappear.  Vanish. Like we were never a part of their pre-children lives.   I don’t know why this happens…is it because they feel sorry for us? Is it because they don’t want to be a “family” in front of us”?  I don’t know!

I do know that abandonment hurts almost as much as being infertile.  I know that it has to be extremely difficult to be on the other side of this and to announce a pregnancy to someone that you love who is struggling with something that comes so easily to some.  Everyone needs to understand that no one can fix this for us, we’ve accepted this battle and we’re going to fight through it until it is won!!!  What we need from you is to know you’re there by our sides ready to fight this with us!  I define a true friendship by those who have stood next to us during the absolute worst moments of our lives.  This battle has not been pretty, especially for me and my roller coaster emotions, and while this isn’t a terminal disease, this is something that has changed my life forever…infertility will forever be stamped on my heart.

So please don’t disappear because you don’t know what to say, because really there isn’t anything that needs to be said.  Just knowing that you are there when we need you is all that is necessary.   All we ask is for you to….Stand by Us!!  And....call us out (especially me) when we're slacking on the friendship...I tend to go into hiding when I'm hurting the most.

A friend once shared the below promises with me from something she once read, I thought these were wonderful little pieces of knowledge for those supporting a friend who is dealing with infertility.

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Dear Infertile Friend,

I wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you. I want you to know that you’re in my heart.  I imagine, at times, it may seem that I’m oblivious to your struggles.   As if somehow I’ve forgotten what it was like to stand in your shoes.  I assure you, I haven’t.  In fact, I’ll never, ever forget what it was like to walk the very lonely and scary path of infertility

 I want to give you a gift.  A gift I hope you’ll treasure.   It’s not a magic potion.  I don’t have one of those.  Instead, it’s a promise—actually a few promises.  Promises that I hope will sustain you through your journey. 

I promise not to give you unsolicited advice about conceiving.  I know you are relaxing.  That stress isn’t the problem and a vacation isn’t the answer.  I’m also very aware that how it finally worked for me (or my cousin or my neighbor or my grandma’s friend’s great-niece) probably isn’t the cure for you.  I’ll never assume I have the answer to your prayers…I promise.

I promise not to complain about my kids in front of you.  We all know that raising children is challenging.  I’m also aware you’d give your left arm to be knee deep in messy diapers and snotty noses.  There’ll be no child-related venting to you…I promise.

I promise to include you in our family related activities and understand when you decline.  I know you love my family.  I also understand being around little ones can be hard for you right now.  I’ll be sad that you’re not there, so I’ll continue to pray fervently for your miracle…I promise.

Most importantly, I promise to be here when you need me.  I’ll listen empathetically and squeeze your hand for encouragement.  Lean on me when you need to—my shoulders will hold you up and my love for you will catch your tears.  I’ll walk through this with you, admiring your bravery every step of the way…I promise.