Infertility. I don’t think words can describe the feeling a woman has when she hears that word.
An overwhelming fear takes over my mind; the fear that I will never be a mother and that I may never be able to provide a child for my husband, who wants one just as bad. It’s something that cannot be fixed, but only maintained. It’s something that can only be truly understood by the person going through it. So many times I hear “just relax, it’ll happen,” or “stop trying and it will happen.” I politely take the advice because I know they are only trying to help, but in my head I am thinking, “How can relaxing make my ovaries work? Why is this happening to ME?” I search for the answer in others, but I never seem to get the answer I want, the answer I need!
The doctors tell us that although we will need help getting pregnant, the chance is there. So I begin to gain back the excitement I had before because we're given a new hope. Negative # 1 comes and I am devastated, but convince myself that it takes more than one try, so I keep my head held high. Negative # 2 comes and I am, once again, completely devastated. We made the heartbreaking decision to take a break and try to obtain healing from the medication wear on my body and the emotional heartbreak.
Wanting a child is not like wanting a toy you can’t have. It is about wanting to know a love that not a single person can describe to you...the type of love that cannot be experienced in any other situation. There is only one way to experience that love, that bond. When that way seems to be taken from you with a possibility of it never being given back, it hurts. Sometimes, it hurts so bad you feel as though you can’t breathe. It hurts to the point that you become numb. That feeling happens over and over and over again. The worst part is that you cannot predict the future, so you have to wait. You have to wait for something that you may never get.
I didn’t understand infertility until we were diagnosed with *unexplained* infertility. You never think it will happen to you so it isn’t something that crosses your mind too often, if at all. Let me tell you this; when it does happen to you, it’s almost the only thing you can think about. I wish it was as easy as saying my ABC’s, but the fact of the matter is that I have no say in what happens. My husband and I have to accept the fact that we may never be parents. Does that mean we are giving up? Absolutely not, but when you are faced with infertility, it’s something you have to deal with. Infertility has overcome me at times, but I have not let it consume me. I believe that God has a purpose in all of this. I know I may never understand what it is, but I know that if I trust Him, everything will be okay.
I do not want my infertility to be a secret because it’s something serious and I believe I am meant to share. It affects my way of life. Why would God put me through something if I wasn’t meant to use it for His glory? God has used me through this. He has not only made me stronger, but he has made my marriage stronger as well as the other relationships in my life. We have a choice on how we react to situations. Though this journey is not easy for me, I have decided to react in a positive way. This is only the beginning of my story, but I hope I was able to provide a perspective that allows anybody who reads this to glance into a world that they may not have noticed before and realize the impact infertility has on the lives of those who deal with it.
Julie,
ReplyDeleteA close friend passed your blog along to me because my husband and I have been struggling with infertility for almost two years. Your choice of words and positive outlook are very inspiring to me. I have not told many people of our struggles because of the questions I'll get down the road. I know they ask because they care but I'm afraid of the sadness it will bring when we don't have the outcome we both want. You have reminded me to continue to find the positive even when we don't get the results we are hoping for. I, like you, have an amazing husband who is very supportive. My strong relationship with him and our ability to put it in God's hands allows me some piece of mind. Thank you for sharing your journey - I am sure you will help a lot of women who are facing the same challenges. I am looking forward to the day I read your blog and see the announcement of the birth of your baby. Stay Positive :)
~Heather
Heather,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for reading. It's truly not something that I ever expected to happen to *me* and I'm sure that you fall under that category too. It's our way of life now...hopefully for only a short period of time though, I just know that prayers will be answered, we just need to trust and remain hopeful.
I can completely understand keeping this very private and safe within your close group. I did myself for over two years. Writing my emotions out has seemed to help me release some of the sadness...some. If you ever want to vent or chat about what you are going through, I'm here. Many Blessings!! ~Julie
Julie, I feel such compassion for you. The human body is this miraculous production and I have seen so many women struggle with this issue. We were very fortunate to have every thing go as expected, but just the few months that we waited for that glorious miracle to occur were excruciating. I can't imagine the stress that your diagnosis has caused you and your husband. And I know the words "patience" and "relax" feel like poison arrows, but I have seen so many of my friends who have been through what you are going through and are now happy mothers. I even know someone who braved fertility treatments for both of her children. She was then pleasantly surprised with a third pregnancy with twins- without any treatment at all. You seem really positive and that is so important. The fertility treatment stories with happy endings are all around you. And personally, from working in the medical field, when something is diagnosed with an "unexplained" source, I don't see that as a proper diagnosis. The body is not a machine, we can't push a button and turn our baby switch on. It's this precise sequence of events that has to occur within the perfect environment and it's very difficult. Good luck with your fertility treatments. I know its debilitating waiting around for those pink plus signs, days feel like weeks. And your whole life starts to revolve around temperatures, fertile days, and "what ifs." Its inevitable that you are going to stress about it, so make sure you get enough rest and control the stress that is controllable! But focus on the happy stories and stay positive!
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